Get Over It

Twelve weeks. That is what "survivors" are told is the amount of time that we should "get over it." I heard this in my grief support group and I keep hearing it from other survivors who have it told to them. All of us laugh at this. I don't think 12 years is enough time to "get over" losing someone you love, let alone 12 weeks. I haven't even had enough time to get over my leftover Halloween candy in 12 weeks. I am just learning so much about the difference in hearing about someone mourning a loved one and actually experiencing it. I'll just tell you, 12 weeks is ridiculous, so let's just "get over" that idea.

I received a great email from a friend, JJ, that I have reconnected with. She was telling me about her friend who lost her mother 2 years ago, and recently blogged about this same subject. To quote her, "And I am so weary of seeing others, and myself treated like we need to be institutionalized because we are actually handling the hard things that life has thrown our way." She has quite a point. I have found so many people want to reach out and comfort me or my family, and are honestly scared to death. I can't blame them for that. But more aggrivating are the "get over it" looks or comments. I will never let go of my brother's memory. Ever.

If you're reading this, you're probably aware of the JD bumper stickers all over my car, the necklace of his face that rests on my heart every day, the hand painted portrait of his face that I am staring at just above my computer as I type this, the countless Army shirts I have that I wear every day, and if that's not enough - I have a button that goes with everything. I don't display my grief merely for attention. I chose to do these things because I want to give people permission to ask why I'm crying. I want to make it okay to ask "Who's that on your shirt?" Not because I want to play the victim, but I'll say it again: I DON'T WANT YOU TO FORGET ABOUT JD HUNT! And if I am crying for MY loss, then I don't want to be pitied, but rather just ask for permission to do so without judgment. Sometimes I don't really even want you to comfort me - just have compassion for my pain and do something to honor my brother - remember him. Mostly, I just want to make it okay for you to ask, because so many people think they can't or shouldn't. YOU SHOULD.

My friend JJ is exactly my age. She has one brother - exactly JD's age. After 11/5, she emailed me and I truly felt connected with her again, because I felt like she was one of few people who knew exactly what losing her brother would feel like. She asked me if it offended me that she talked about him at all. In another instance, my friend D came to visit me after 11/5. Her brother, D, is in the military and just came back from an overseas tour safely. Just a couple of days ago, she wrote me and said that she struggled with being comfortable bringing D over, knowing that her brother was safely there with her and mine was not.

I am so grateful for my friends JJ and D & D. Here is what I told them: I am not jealous that they have their brothers and I do not. I know I wrote briefly about seeing all the brothers and sisters around Christmas, but I was not angry or overly jealous (although I was writing during a very fresh time, and things are changing). I was just becoming more aware that mine was gone. JJ told me that her next phone calls and visits with her brother was extra special after 11/5. She said she holds him extra close to her now in her heart because she realizes what I've lost and she knows how important he is to her. I told D that I was not uncomfortable in the least that D came over with her. In fact, I was honored that D, a friend and a soldier, came over to honor and respect a fallen soldier and comfort his sister, because I know that's what he would want someone to do for his sister. I would never want anyone to experience what I have. I am SO thankful that they have their brothers! If JD's death can inspire a sister to appreciate and love her brother more, then I feel like that was a part of JD's mission in inspiring love. I feel like he would make that sacrifice - I know he would. I don't ever want anyone to feel uncomfortable around me, but I do understand it.

But know this. I wouldn't wear JD all over me if I didn't want to talk about him. I don't want anyone to be afraid to talk to me. But I also don't want anyone to expect me not to talk about my brother, just like I don't expect people to not talk about theirs. I am learning that we "survivors" WANT to talk about our loved ones as if they are alive. Not like we are delusional and we don't know they're dead, but if people expect us to "get over" the funeral, the shooting, the accident - whatever - why can't we talk about their living memories? I want to join in when someone says "my brother just got the new Call of Duty game for his Xbox 360" and say "JD wanted that so bad!" and not feel bad about saying it. I don't say things to make people feel guilty, but to keep his memory alive about the kind of person he was.

So if you want to support someone who has experienced loss, I can tell you that the nicest thing to do, more than a plant or avoidance, is to ask them about their loved one!

One of my best friends Amy does this without ever having been told this. She told me, recently, "JD sure did love his band shirts! He has one on in every picture." What a great thing to say. I know she is paying attention. She SEES him, and she lets me know that she does with that one little sentence.

So if your friend writes or says something about their mourning or their loved one, don't think "get over it" or be creeped out because you have run out of comforting things to say (by the way, we actually have had our fill of "he's in a better place" in our "12 weeks" although it's a nice sentiment). Just click "like" or say "He is so cool!" or something like that. My friend JJ reminds me of stories about our brothers when the 4 of us hung around as kids. Her brother likes video games too, and I remember them playing as kids. That is really special to me to hear.

So let's take that 12 week rule and get over it. Agree?