LET ME MAKE THIS CLEAR. I AM DOING THIS TO BRING MORE HONOR TO MY BROTHER, NOT LESS. I have been agonizing over the decision to air this for 8 months. I never wanted to google my brother's name and find a family rift over the honorable life he led. I have come to a place of acceptance that this post was not my choice, but someone else's.
Tonight I watched the original Karate Kid with my children. Everyone wanted to check out the old one with the release of the new one. My husband, being the old dinosaur that he is, wanted our kids to see the "real" Karate Kid.
I realized, after sitting down at my computer to blog, that you can google Mr. Miyagi quotes and they are everywhere on the net. So my brilliant idea of using them for this post isn't as original as I first thought. However, I did not google them. I texted myself as I was watching the movie with my kids (yes, my phone is my other appendage and I even talk to myself on it, apparently).
I realized, after sitting down at my computer to blog, that you can google Mr. Miyagi quotes and they are everywhere on the net. So my brilliant idea of using them for this post isn't as original as I first thought. However, I did not google them. I texted myself as I was watching the movie with my kids (yes, my phone is my other appendage and I even talk to myself on it, apparently).
"Man who catch fly with chopstick accomplish anything." ~Mr. Miyagi
It is a very tough battle, the one my family is fighting today. It's very much like trying to catch a fly with chopsticks.
It is a very tough battle, the one my family is fighting today. It's very much like trying to catch a fly with chopsticks.
I am so, so disheartened with what I have to write about now. And I mean I HAVE to write about it. I tried, for 8 months not to pollute this blog with the ugliness that not many people knew about. I even mentioned before that I patted myself on the back when people had no clue of our personal family rift.
However, my brother is buried, 6 feet under, with NOTHING but weeds above him. No sign, plate or tomb above his body to show that an American soldier who served in the Iraqi war and died for our freedom lies beneath the ground you stand on. I tried a million different ways to be okay with that:
"Jesus was buried in a borrowed tomb, Leila. JD doesn't need an extravagant resting place." But is that saying it was okay how we treated Jesus and we should continue to treat his children that way?
"JD was so humble. He wouldn't care." No, Leila. JD didn't care about being in the spotlight. But he did value the respect of his peers. His peers cannot pay respect to him if they cannot find him.
"JD is not there. His shell is 6 feet below the weeds, but his soul is long gone from this earth." So why mark anyone's grave? Why not just stick us all in a furnace and take us to the dump when we die?
Grave markers are not only to honor the deceased but to honor the living. Any American soldier who sees an image of their brother buried with less dignity than a dog, takes personal insult to that. The military is ALL about honor. The image of my brother's unmarked grave is the opposite of honor. It is disgustingly dishonorable.
I did not want to EVER have to publicly humiliate ANYONE. Fighting even the nastiest person in the world makes me uncomfortable.
However, my brother is buried, 6 feet under, with NOTHING but weeds above him. No sign, plate or tomb above his body to show that an American soldier who served in the Iraqi war and died for our freedom lies beneath the ground you stand on. I tried a million different ways to be okay with that:
"Jesus was buried in a borrowed tomb, Leila. JD doesn't need an extravagant resting place." But is that saying it was okay how we treated Jesus and we should continue to treat his children that way?
"JD was so humble. He wouldn't care." No, Leila. JD didn't care about being in the spotlight. But he did value the respect of his peers. His peers cannot pay respect to him if they cannot find him.
"JD is not there. His shell is 6 feet below the weeds, but his soul is long gone from this earth." So why mark anyone's grave? Why not just stick us all in a furnace and take us to the dump when we die?
Grave markers are not only to honor the deceased but to honor the living. Any American soldier who sees an image of their brother buried with less dignity than a dog, takes personal insult to that. The military is ALL about honor. The image of my brother's unmarked grave is the opposite of honor. It is disgustingly dishonorable.
I did not want to EVER have to publicly humiliate ANYONE. Fighting even the nastiest person in the world makes me uncomfortable.
Mr. Miyagi says, "Fighting always last answer to problem." Jesus says, " If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic." (Luke 6:29)
And I can truly say, I have turned my both cheeks and given my tunic. JD has given his life. What's next, when the enemy persists? I could not find a next step in the bible. So here is our next step. The fight I wish I never had to reveal.
And I can truly say, I have turned my both cheeks and given my tunic. JD has given his life. What's next, when the enemy persists? I could not find a next step in the bible. So here is our next step. The fight I wish I never had to reveal.
The following is a picture of my brother's grave on July 5, 2010. EIGHT MONTHS after he was killed. Any American who values a soldier that died for their freedom should be outraged by this. Any mother who loves her son, sister who loves her brother, wife who loves her husband - should be appalled that this is how we honor (or don't honor) our loved one, our American soldier! No, he's not under the beautiful monuments along the fence. He is in the square of grass in the middle. Within weeks this will be grown over and he will be completely lost in that sea of grass.
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And this is Hasso the dog. Chicago police's "Best Dog in the World"
Someone chose to honor Hasso with this beautiful monument. He died last year, just like my brother.
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And this is Hasso the dog. Chicago police's "Best Dog in the World"
Someone chose to honor Hasso with this beautiful monument. He died last year, just like my brother.
I believe everyone has the right to grieve differently. There are some people who chose to never visit their loved one's grave site. There are some who take months or years to order a grave marker. And when it is a CHOICE, it is to be respected. When it is a power trip, it is revolting. My dad visits his son almost every day. He gets SO excited when someone leaves something. The cemetery "discards" all items left at a grave site that are not on a marker every time they mow, which is weekly or bimonthly. So sometimes there are flowers, sometimes there is nothing. It must be so disheartening to visit your own son's bare grave day after day.
I am astonished at the amount of support that JD has behind him in just this issue alone. Within hours of this gut-wrenching decision to air this dirty laundry, hundreds, possibly thousands (cannot tell for sure) of people have changed their profile picture on Facebook to the picture of my brother's bare grave. Some of them have said they are willing to stand post at his grave in shifts until he has a dignified headstone.
Video on WFAA Dallas story:
http://www.wfaa.com/news/local/Fort-Hood-victims-family-fighting-for-gravestone-97992929.html
Watch video (below) for in depth description of this issue.
Our family intends to file suit for JD's remains so that he may be honored in a respectable manner. We intend to cooperate with the District Attorney, Department of Human Services, politicians, our attorney and commanding military officials at Fort Hood. It would probably be "too much to ask" for my mother and father to be able to obtain a few of their son's personal effects, but I suppose we'll try that too.
I am trying to do this in layers. The first 8 months of layers have been shed, and this next, ugly step, literally makes me sick to my stomach. I am so physically ill from this right now that I cannot bring myself to post the personal ads on Craigslist for women seeking men, the yahoo questions stating that my brothers parents should not have received the death gratuity or the proof of purchases we have obtained provided by my brother's death money. We plan to use all this to build a strong case for our lawsuit. And as I continue to say, it makes me SO uncomfortable to even share these things, however, I feel there is no choice. I'm willing to risk all the backlash for JD. I was willing to risk being jailed or fined for him too. He is worth that and more. But please spare me the grieving widow replies, because it not only sickens me to have to go into more nasty things to disprove that, but also tempts me. I might actually throw up right now. But as a last resort, to bring justice for JD,
I am deflecting as many questions regarding this issue as possible to:
jennmorgan83@yahoo.com
"If his family told you to email me then pass this along, the more you harass me, the longer it will take."
(taken on a vacation in January 2010, 2 months after the shooting. *This is not JD*)
27 comments:
I will stand behind you 100% my dear sister. If this were my brother and again it almost was, I would be doing the same thing.
You forgot to label the last picture as one of the purchases made by JD's life insurance money. Within weeks she bought new boobs but it has taken more than 8 months for a headstone? That fact alone speaks volumes!
Doing the "right" thing doesn't always feel right, Leila. Fighting a war, punishing your children.... But we have to stand up for our principles and those who can't stand up for themselves.
JD, you, and your parents have my FULL support in this. Patrick and I love you dearly and will do whatever we can to help. Take a deep breath and rest easy knowing you are doing the right thing.
Besides all we talked about this morning, I just want to remind you that fighting battles aren't easy or pleasant, but they are sometimes absolutely necessary. You have an absolute army of supporters willing to fight this war with you, Leila! You didn't want this; you didn't bring it to this point... but it is high time to stand up and fight!
I am a new follower and I'm in a bit of a rush to leave but I just want to say, this makes me sick! I can't imagine your brother not being honored by his grave being marked and it gives me a heavy heart that he hasn't. I also cant believe that woman has been buying all these other unneeded things rather then honoring her HUSBAND! I am backing you and your family 100 %!
I am a new follower, and I'm so sorry your family is going through this. It saddens me to see that your brother is not being honored as he should. My husband is in the Navy and we married after only knowing each other for three months, I could never leave his gave unmarked it just makes me sick. I will be praying for your family.
You know you have the total support of all your friends, Leila. This is so wrong. Stay strong, stay focused. Prayers are always with you and your family.
Leila,
First off, I am very sorry for your loss. I am an Army wife, a very proud one, and we are stationed here on Ft Hood. I remember that day like it was yesterday and all the fear and anxiety my kids went through that day. The schools and posts were locked down and it wasn't until almost midnight that I got any word about my family. With that said, I have to say I was brought to tears when I read your story. I may not have known your brother personally, but I can promise you I still mourn for him and all the others every day.
I saw the video clip from one of the interviews that you did. I wanted to ask you if you had contacted any news channels from the Ft Hood Area? KXXV channel 25 is the largest station in our area. I am sure they would take an interest in your story. Our community strongly supports our soldiers and their families. I am just wondering if putting this out there in a place where your brother was loved and supported could help in any way.
Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.
I am a stranger, linked to your blog through Facebook by another Army wife who was once stationed at Hood, as was I. I lived there during the horror that was the shooting that took your brother's life. It was an immense tragedy for everyone, but unfathomably more so for the families who lost loved ones at he hands of one of our own.
I am heartbroken at the continuing tragedy your family must deal with. If it had been my husband lost that day, my life WOULD have stopped. I certainly wouldn't have thought to get breast implants or go gallivanting with another fellow mere months after my husband's tragic passing. This is disgusting, and just furthers the negative image that so many people have of military spouses. We are not all like this! I promise!
I can offer you nothing more than my support and prayers, but I assure you that you have ALL that I have to offer in that regard. I know there is nothing I can do to comfort you, but please remember that God is in control, and when and where it REALLY matters, your brother is NOT forgotten.
This is just sick and wrong. We're behind you 200%. Take care of what you need to take care to honor your brother. God bless you, our prayers will be with you and your family that your brother's grave will very shortly be marked and honored.
I also found your blog via Facebook (and have reposted it myself).
I have no kind words to say towards your former sister-in-law. She disgusts me. As an Air Force wife, I'm ashamed to have yet another person out there give military wives a bad name.
I hope that you are able to win the rights to honor your brother's remains. May he rest in peace.
I'm also a new follower via Facebook posting by a fellow Air Force wife, and share the sentiments of everyone here. As a fellow military wife, I have seen these types of behaviors, and each time it disgusts me to my core. I will pray for you, and your family in hopes that JD will be honored, and receives the full respect he deserves.
May he rest in peace.
this just ticks me off cause my brother is fighting for her freedom and everyone elses freedom in Afghanistan. why not give someone the proper tombstone that they deserve that died for your country my country and his wifes country. im not talking bad about her cause i dont know here but that is ridiculous. that just aggravates me. and makes me wanna do something about it. why would she not be rushing to get a tombstone there that was her husband. and being a wife of a Sailor. if that happened to him i would give him everything that he deserved. thats just plain stupid.
The National Cemetery Administration (NCA) will provide a headstone for your brother absolutely free. All his wife would have to do is give them permission to place it at his grave, because I'm assuming he's buried on private property or this wouldn't be an issue. It is free forever, they will replace it free if it breaks, fades, etc. And it may be possible to get in front of a judge and have a court order issued to her requiring that she place a headstone. However, you may have to sue for custody of the remains, as you said. I'm not a legal person, my dad just used to work for the VA, the NCA itself, actually, and now his company partners with several veterans groups, so I asked him what he thought. You can also contact an American Legion Service Office and the Veterans of Foreign Wars because they might be interested in providing you with some sort of support. I would really hope that you could find a pro bono lawyer to help you out here with the increase in publicity. Chances are if you can get a lawyer she won't fight you anyway. If she won't pay for a headstone why would she pay to fight not to buy one? So with luck your legal costs will be minimal as this won't be dragged out. Especially when it's free to place a soldier's headstone, all she has to do is give permission.
Where does she live? I bet you could get a LOT of people from Ft. Hood to show up at a protest in front of her house.
I am a brand new follower who found the link via friends on facebook. I am an Army Spouse, and I am here in the Fort Hood Area. I remember that day so vividly. I am truely sorry for your loss. Please know that not all military spouses are like that. Boobs? I mean really...its just sick to think of this ever being an issue. I'm with Chelsey, I would be more than happy to stage a protest if she is local! You and your family have been in my prayers everyday since the tragedy, and will continue to be.
she's been asking questions on Yahoo .....
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AtUonOasbWY6osoYF_9Gdy3sy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20100624093532AAL480v
I am new to this so im not sure how it works. A friend of mine introduced me to this sight and it actually made her cry. I am a soldier who just got out of the army and was stationed at fort hood too. And it is hard to say and hard to believe that there are women, army wives out there that are that disrespectful and that......i dont even have the words for it. Some people just arent right. They will never admit it and they will never understand why they are the way they are or why they do the things they do. It is wrong that a fellow soldier has to lay in the ground with nothing to his name other than the grass that is covering him and the dishonor that his wife is bringing him everyday because of her actions. I will hold you JD and your family in my prayers and thoughts. And I am sorry for the world that there are people out there that would show such blunt disrespect to one of americas finest soldiers. I have nothing but respect for you and your efforts to honor your brother the way he deserves it. I hope you accomplish your dreams for your brother and when i return to fort hood i will personally place something on your brothers grave so he is not forgotten.
this girl has issues
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AvvicXu4oGYX0ndMQ5GnmOPty6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20091116090334AAEN7YC
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AkT02OSFjqW1ed7iXRhYKBzty6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20091128120800AAcoXyj
I just wanted to post these for you so that you know that she was doing this.
I hope he gets his headstone soon and i will be praying for your family
I am so sorry for your loss. I, am the mother who has lost her only son to death. my son was 16 years old. He was going to sign up for the military when he turned 17. I know how this hurts. I didn't and don't have burial insurance or a big insurance amount coming to me, so, my son's grave is still without a headstone which he so rightly deserves. My reason, is that I can't afford it. I'm a single mother with a 12 year old girl, who is devastated over her brother's death. so, in reality, my son's grave looks similar to your brother. My heart goes out to you. And I will pray for your family. Bet my son knows your brother. Best of wishes, if i can help let me know..ladygerrit@aol.com
Leila,
I have been following your blog for a couple of months now and I am so sorry for your loss. I would love to try and help your family out. I have a friend who works at a cemetery in Killeen and I used to work there too and I know for a fact that the VA will give your brother a headstone for free. I will get in contact with my friend if you would. If you would like to contact me, please feel free, you can reach at my email. I am so sorry that your sister in law is being like that to your family. Please know that there are good people out in this world. Keep your faith strong and HE will provide.
Leila I posted this on Yon's FB thread - but wanted to make sure you got this - I will probably delete my facebook posts, because continuing this discussion in public makes me uncomfortable...especially given the tendency of many of the FB posters to just look for a good fight :-) I hope this does not read as harsh criticism, the intent is get you to ask yourself some more tough questions, hopefully resulting in a new mission, with a more positive outcome. You are hurt and upset, and the internet is NOT your friend. Fast forward - a year from now, reading a wiki-ish entry about the shootings in November. Those who were killed have paragraphs detailing their lives. Your brother's bio, however is overshadowed by the controversy which was fueled by social networking sites. I can tell by your blog this is NOT something you would have wanted. As a stranger who has been through some of this mess, I can see the other angles" - I tend to be blunt, (years of technical writing) but my intent here is pure, and my heart breaks for you.
My FB post:
======================
@Leila: You wrote: "we are sickened that our last resort to bring a small amount of honor to my brother is to bring this to the public."
If you are sickened, WHY are you doing it? In what way will airing this private affair before millions of strangers honor your brother? What surely started as grief seems to be turning into a self vindication campaign. I implore you to stop seeking validation in public. This does not honor your brother. Breathe....Refocus...Move On.
You don't need a grave marker set by mm/dd/yy deadline to honor your brother. A court ruling would result in nothing but a slab of marble, which will be a constant reminder, not only of his death, but of the bitter feud between his sister, mother, and the woman he chose to spend his life with. There is no peace nor honor in that. Leila, there are so many alternatives to this no-win battle: Erect a monument, establish a foundation in his name, adopt wounded soldiers, feed an orphan..etc. Start planning this *positive* memorial, then write your sister-in-law a letter...tell her you are sorry that the grief over the loss of someone so dear to you all has morphed into such a bitter feud. Tell her that perhaps, in your grief, you have misinterpreted her intent, and that hopefully in time, these wounds will heal. Tell her of your plans to honor your brother and invite her to participate in this project when she is ready. Then, move on to making your own peace and doing something positive so people remember your brother, *NOT* the feud between his wife, sister and mother.
I've seen this heartache, up close and personally. No one can be "RIGHT" in this situation, but you can make the *right* choices moving forward - you just need to adjust the angle on your lens now. Best wishes to you all.
i am also a new follwer thanks to FB..... me and my husband were separated when he died but i do make sure to honor him for our son! i am also in a fight with my inlaws.. seems like our situations are similar but backwards. my husband had a new gf and left our son with nothing, we were left out of the funeral as if we werent a aprt of is life! and now my inlaws got the life insurance and have not givin my son a penny of that money, and i have been told there is nothing i can do :(. good luck in your fight and i hope your brother gets wha he rightfully desreves
Makes me a little sad that you are airing the families dirty laundy. You cant fight a fire with fire. Good luck though
Anyone who could be negative or critical of Leila and or her family is really missing the point. This family is not seeking attention or publicity, just seeking what is normal for when someone is buried; A HEADSTONE. If you had ever met his widow and Jason's family you would see that they are as different as night and day. There are some people that just don't get it. The problem with the news is that it does not show anything behind the scenes of what is happening, and the overall message gets lost to an extent. If everyone could just meet Leila and family and then have to deal with the widow you would so much better understand.
As someone who is a Gold Star widow and who is very involved with groups that support military widows, I try very hard to NOT judge the actions of another widow. I am not being very successful at the moment.
I have heard countless horror stories of in-laws vs. the widows, but this just goes beyond everything I have heard before! This is not about her or the family. This is not even about honoring a Soldier. It is about honoring HER HUSBAND!! It is about honoring the man who loved her enough to give her his name! A man who wanted to spend every moment of his life with her. A man who wanted her to be the mother of his children! And this is how she honors his love for her? THIS is how she shows her love for him?
I am in complete shock.
LaNita Herlem
Proud Widow of
SFC Bryant A. Herlem
This is disgusting. You say you want to HONOR him?! Then stop disgracing him by being ignorant and posting pictures (without permission, btw) and bashing his WIDOW. The woman who he decided to spend the rest of his life with.
It has only been 9 MONTHS for pete's sake.
Let it go. Give her time. AND STOP DISGRACING YOUR OWN BROTHER AND HIS WIFE.
The TRUTH is that Leila did not disgrace anyone. The widow disgraced herself with her despicable behavior. Leila only EXPOSED this behavior after many months and much devasting grief, made even worse by the widow's treatment of her husband's family.
The widow's actions say it all.
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